It takes about a day to get there on foot. Faster if you've got a horse but...we did not have one of those.
[Quirin might be the leader of the village, but they were still piss-poor farmers. Horses were a luxury no one in the village could afford. He chews his lip.]
I never really thought about the distance, honestly. I- I just wanted to get there for my dad. Not that it mattered, in the end. But I still tried.
[It took too long, and the help he needed wasn't there when he made it. ]
I...after that I figured I'd try and get the original flower that gave Rapunzel her powers- maybe that could free him. I had to find out where it was kept first though, so I drugged the guards with a truth serum to find that out first. [As you do.] Then I convinced Rapunzel to help me steal it. I...she knew it would be treason to take it, but she helped me anyway because I lied to her about using it to help everyone. When we finally got there, I stole the flower myself and left her to take the fall.
You did, and that's what matters. Sometimes there are battles that no one else can fight for you.
[Oh. This is where it escalates. His eyebrows rise, but he doesn't make any disparaging comments. He's... impressed? Should he be impressed? It's obvious to him that Varian was using everything he had to try to free his dad, though betraying the princess was a dick move. Amal probably wouldn't have done that part.
Regardless, Varian isn't here for coddling, just for Amal to listen.]
[It was a dick move and it's only going to get dickier. Varian shakes his head.]
No...not then. The flower did nothing. It- it was just dead all the power was in Rapunzel. But I- I knew I'd burned that bridge. I knew I'd have to force her to come and help me. I drugged Ruddiger, and turned him into a...monster. Temporarily. To distract them all. While he was attacking the guards, I kidnapped the queen. I...I thought she'd come to save her mother. Do anything for her.
[There's so much guilt in his voice as he speaks- he hates himself for what he did and it's clear in his voice.]
She did. What was left of the guard were kept busy with these robots I'd built and already tested on them once...to- to make sure they'd struggle fighting them. Rapunzel and the king snuck in, but I was waiting for them. I- I used my amber near the queen, so it was growing by her. To force Rapunzel to help me.
Yeah. I wish I could say I didn't mean it, but I was so angry then. I- I thought everyone had abandoned me...that I didn't have anything else to lose.
[And that feeling only got worse and fed much nastier things.]
Rapunzel's hair didn't work. I tried but it...the amber wouldn't break. She and her parents escaped and I saw them together and thought I'd- I just thought I'd never have that again. Nothing I did was going to save my dad. And I just- I guess I snapped more than I had done already.
[He shifts uncomfortably.]
I- I got into a bigger robot, one I piloted myself. I attacked them all. I managed to- to get hold of the queen and Rapunzel's best friend, Cassandra. I wanted her to know what it felt like to have someone she cared about ripped away. So- so I tried to crush them to death.
[The guilt is palpable in his tone, clenching and unclenching his hands together, brow furrowed.]
I...I was stopped, before I could actually kill anyone, thankfully. Rapunzel worked out her connection to the rocks and she managed to take me down. I...went to prison for a year and that should be the end of the story but it's...uh. Not.
[All of this is a lot, but Amal has still dealt with 'worse'-- if you ignore the fact that Varian is just a kid. Nero and Gaius were full ass adults, and were treated as such.]
I'm relieved that you didn't do something you couldn't take back, but... that's a lot to deal with. For you and your friends. And prison couldn't have been a leisurely stroll either.
Let me guess: when you got out, you were angry and hadn't dealt with anything you were feeling?
I'm relieved too. I don't- I don't think I could have bared it if I'd actually killed anyone. They- none of them deserved that.
[He nods, hugging his arm around himself.]
My cellmate...Andrew? He- he was part of this group that hated Corona. He convinced me to join them when we broke out. I helped them get to the king and queen and wiped their memories with magic. I used them to control the citizens of the Kingdom- to make them mine for a mineral that I could use to turn the memory magic into a gas- something that would wipe everyone's memories. I...I just wanted to make everyone to forget what I'd done. Just- wipe the slate clean, it was so stupid.
[But Andrew had been so charming and convincing, had been someone Varian believed he could trust when he had no one else. ]
Rapunzel had been travelling, to understand more about the moonstone- but when she came back they revealed their real plan was to use my alchemy to destroy the entire city. I didn't want that, I didn't want anyone to die. So...I helped Rapunzel get onto the airship they were gonna drop my alchemy from and tried to neutralise it. Andrew caught me and tried to kill me, but we managed to fight them off. But he'd done damage to the ship. It was dropping in altitude too fast, and if it crashed everyone would die.
[He looks down at the floor, uneasy. He's aware this part of the story doesn't go down well- Fern was pretty damn upset about it and that's always in the forefront of his mind.]
I figured out we could use my alchemy to get the ship higher, but someone had to stay behind to get it up there- and when everything heat up enough for the ship to explode... I told Rapunzel to get off the ship and- and let me deal with it. I had to clean up my own mess and...it's not like there was anyone left who'd have missed me anyway. [He exhales sharply.] She wouldn't let me though, she pushed me off and managed to survive the blast with her hair. Everyone was saved. She- she used the knowledge she'd gained on her travels to free my father and...he was okay too.
[Thankfully, Varian's not sure how well he would have coped if he hadn't been. He feels a pang in his chest at the thought. He misses his dad so much.]
I'd spent the rest of my time doing everything I could to help the kingdom. To- to try and even out the scales of all the bad I'd done. To just make things better instead of worse, y'know?
[Even Amal knows better than to get into bed with terrorists. But Varian's just a kid at the end of the day; though if he's old enough to accept responsibility for his actions, clearly consequences are not something he can see easily.
Yeah... this story, though larger in magnitude than Amal's misadventures in his own country, has a familiar ring to it.]
I'm glad that Rapunzel saw the real you. It isn't often that one finds friends like that, and it's even harder to keep them... but I'm sure you know that by now.
[He drains the rest of his tea and sets it down.]
I promise you won't lose me. Telling me all of this really took some courage and I admire you for that. I just wish you didn't have to learn all those lessons in the hardest way possible.
At your age, you shouldn't—you shouldn't be ready to die. You shouldn't have to even think about things that aren't the problems in front of you, or what you want to do when you grow up. It's messed up that they ignored your calls for help... and it's messed up that they threw you in prison instead of trying to prevent this sort of thing from happening again to someone else. That doesn't absolve you of your own decisions, of course, but a kingdom is only as good as how they treat their most vulnerable people.
[Varian has real issues seeing the forest for the trees sometimes. ]
Yeah- yeah I know that. I'm really lucky to have her.
[The you won't lose me twists something in his heart. He'd be lying if he said he hadn't come here worried that might happen. This isn't like home- people have to be told about his sketchy past, and he's been so scared that they might see him as a completely different person after learning the truth. He dislikes that part of him so much, it's easy to imagine anyone else would, too.
But here he is, being surprised again. Tears prick at the corners of his eyes as Amal continues. He's never wanted absolution for what he did, not at all- but hearing someone felt he was treated wrongly in turn when he's built up in his head he deserved all of it sure does wrench his chest.]
I guess- [his voice wavers and he struggles to temper it] I guess I always felt that- that what they did to me was fair. After...after everything I did to them. [But it had been weeks between what happened his dad and Rapunzel finally showing up at his home, and even that wasn't for him, not really. ] I sometimes wonder if...if maybe things would have been different if she'd come to help. Even...after the snow. Like- maybe I wouldn't have gone so far. But...I don't know. Maybe I would have just turned out like that anyway.
[Amal is fresh off of a six year stint completely avoiding talking about his backstory or straight up lying about it, so he understands where Varian is coming from. The trepidation is real and valid. But like his friends who were supportive to him, Amal is paying it forward now, so that Varian has some measure of comfort.]
It's no use thinking about the what-ifs. Some things are only for the gods to know, as they say.
[He slips out of his chair and kneels beside Varian's instead. Don't assume he missed the beginning of those tears. He loops his arm around the back of Varian's chair but doesn't pull him into a hug—though the offer is there. He doesn't know how touchy the teen is, and doesn't want to push a boundary.]
You're here now, and that means something. So you take one step forward, and then another, and then another after that. Little by little, it'll get easier, until you're not thinking about how heavy your boots are anymore.
I know because I've been there. I wasn't much older than you when they locked me up the first time.
[Varian does tense, just for a second, before letting out a sad little sniff and shifting to lean on Amal. He just kinda...stays there for a moment, trying to keep himself from crying.]
...I-I really hope so. I'd been trying so hard back home to help but-but I still ended up messing up a lot even if I didn't mean to. And then I got here and I wanted to help people get home and-and I messed up that so badly.
[He just keeps making mistake after mistake and he ultimately sees that as a failure in his attempts at being a good person. Not healthy, but that's the rut he's put himself in. But Amal's comment does catch him off-guard, and he turns his head to look at him blinking in surprise. ]
[Amal is very patient, and as it turns out, very warm. He loops an arm around Varian to be comforting and hopefully keep him from tipping out of the chair if it comes to that.]
You're still learning. Your heart is in the right place, and that matters more than people like to admit. Even though it's hard, even though it hurts, hold onto the piece of you that wants to help people and make the world better for everyone. It's worth keeping.
[He meets Varian's eyes and nods slowly.]
That's right. I've been on my own for most of my life, like I've said before. Sometimes it meant stealing food just to survive. When I was old enough I learned how to cut purses from the merchants and tourists who looked down on us, and I tried to help the people around me, but they didn't want the money. I bought food instead and left it for them, but that got someone in trouble, and... well, one thing led to another.
I wouldn't listen to anyone who tried to warn me. Nothing worked. So the guards put me in prison at sixteen, and I didn't get out for... six months? Something like that.
Mine was a righteous cause, I thought. I didn't realize that the way I was 'helping' was only hurting those around me. When no one wanted anything to do with me, I only doubled down on it like I was some kind of pariah... I was in and out of gaol so many times I knew the guards by name.
By the time I was tired of it and I wanted to live honestly, it was too late. No one would hire me. I was constantly on the run because I'd escaped my sentencing, and I was trapped. Instead of facing what I did and trying to atone, like you did, I stowed away on a boat to a distant land and started over.
[He gently sets his hand on top of Varian's hair for a moment.]
But I never stopped trying to help people. I got stronger, and smarter, and I made friends who steered me in the right direction—that's the important part, because it meant I wasn't suffering alone.
[A pause, and he tries for a bit of levity.]
I also learned that having wanted posters in two countries is really inconvenient.
[Varian welcomes the comfort, genuinely. He might not be much of a hugger, but this is giving him enough strength to keep on with this conversation.
It's worth keeping.]
Yeah. I- I don't want to lose that part of me. Never again. I... I don't want to be that person ever again.
[He doesn't want to be so angry that he forgets that he wants to help people. He struggles to see the forest for the trees, but he doesn't want it to get to the point where he's actively harming others again.
he's quiet as Amal talks. And some of that sounds...well, extremely familiar. He guesses that makes sense. He trusts and finds a great amount of comfort and safety in Amal. Seems that was his subconscious latching onto the familiar, even if he didn't know it at the time. A tiny smile crosses his face.]
That sounds like a friend of mine back home. He um- he was pretty renowned as a thief up until a few years ago. And then he met Rapunzel and she made his life...better. She has a habit of that.
[Of making lives better. Even after everything they'd put each other through, he knew Rapunzel did make things better for him. Her actions might have been what finally made him walk into the darkness, but he would have never found his way out without her, either.]
I'm glad that you had people to help you. And- and that you weren't alone. You're a really good person, if it means anything? I mean...I think you are.
[He manages a tiny little hah.]
Yeah that has to be rough, it was hard enough in one.
[No hesitation. Just complete faith. The funny thing about being that young is... it's easier to make things happen simply because one believes in them. Amal isn't so old that he's out of touch, but he fell into the trap of becoming jaded, and wasted a few opportunities by doing so.]
Wow, really? A renowned thief! It's good to hear that he was able to turn everything around. Rapunzel must be truly special if she was able to do that for him and for you. [If Varian had decided to blame Rapunzel for everything, this might be a very different conversation.]
You—what. [His brain shorts out a little. Good person? Him? He turns a little red, his cheeks darkening and also the tips of his ears, which is a funny sight.] I-I'm not a good person, not really. I just... I've been through a lot, that's all.
[He pauses, then he holds out the arm that isn't involved in supporting Varian right now.]
If you look closely, you can see the scars underneath my tattoos. [Pale scarred skin from deep gashes, stab wounds, swords... even something like old shackle wounds around his wrists. They don't line up with the swirly tribal markings on top. Some of them are close, but the vast majority exist on their own, as if covering them was a concept he got bored of.] Every single one of these is a story. A lesson. I've been fighting like hell my whole life and it shows.
If I can keep someone else from going through this, it means I've done something with what I've been given. It won't make up for all the things I've done... but it makes it easier to sleep at night.
[He manages a small smile at Amal's assurance. Even if he's still afraid of it being a reality, even if he's not sure himself yet that he won't fall down that dark path again, the fact Amal has faith in him that he won't matters a whole lot.]
Hah, yeah. Rapunzel is pretty special. She um...had a lot of us in her inner circle. Ex-convicts, I mean. She truly believes everyone deserves a second chance. Sometimes even a third or fourth.
[He shrugs. ]
I said what I said. You- you were listening to hear me out and you're being pretty supportive, ergo I stand by my statement.
[So. Suck it! He leans in a little to examine the tattoos, and huh, there they are. He's quiet for a moment, taking in what Amal has to say, nodding.] I think I understand. And that's...yeah, that's good. Trying to stop other people making the same mistakes you did.
Well, she's right. Even if sometimes I struggle with that myself.
[He's had a change of heart about some things recently though, and he thinks it's for the better.]
Us peasants have to stick together, right?
[He's definitely not going to get into a 'nuh uh' argument with Varian, as it would cost any ground he's gained during this conversation, so he just lets Varian look and ask questions. He's a sharp kid, there's no doubt about that.]
The thing about that is... you can tell someone your story, but in the end, it's their choice to follow your advice or not. You can't take responsibility for their actions.
Sometimes, all you can do is to be there when the dust settles.
Yeah, we're...well, we're all really lucky to have her. I think a lot of people would have faced the gallows or the prison barge if it wasn't for her.
[Lord knows where he would have ended up without her intervention. He doesn't like to think about it. King Fredrick has never been kind towards anyone who poses a threat to his daughter, which given what happened with Gothel was pretty fair.
A tiny smile is pulled out of him.]
Yeah...I guess we do.
[A wise move on Amal's part really. He's gaining some pretty solid ground as a go-to adult for problems. He considers what the man has to say, hums softly and nods.]
Yeah...that makes sense. I- she left, afterwards, I think she needed to figure herself out, but I hope what I had to say to her helped her a little. But you're right. People have to work this out on their own. I know I wouldn't have listened to reason until...after.
[That's something he can very much stand by now, even after...everything. Maybe even because of everything. Rapunzel has proven herself as a ruler so many times over now. ]
Yeah. [Absently, he raps once on the side of his own head.] Sometimes takes a solid whack for something to sink into a thick skull.
[He smiles. He misses Cass a lot, but he understands healing from what she did, what he did takes time. He needed people around him to start his healing, Cass needs time to herself. ]
Me too, I'll be glad to see her again. ...I mean, if I ever get out of here, I guess? Which is still...unknown.
[He considers, then reaches over to muss up Varian's hair a little. Just a little. Not too aggressively, since Amal himself hates that...]
It's a bit complicated for people in our position, isn't it?
[He shakes his head.]
There might not be anything to return to. Time hasn't caught up for you and me but eventually it will. Our worlds only have so many grains of sand left in the hourglass. If any of this is to be believed, we were supposed to be reborn along with everyone else.
So... do we keep trying to find a way back, even though we know how our story ends? Or do we treasure the time we have with the people around us, and try to write something new?
I don't know what the right answer is, or if there's even a right answer. Maybe it doesn't matter at all, because time didn't even seem to pass at home while I was here...
[He drags his hand down his face out of frustration.]
No matter how I look at it, every option feels like I'm abandoning someone.
[Varian doesn't mind the hair mussing at all- it's honestly pretty comforting, given everything. ]
Just a little bit, yeah.
[But Amal has voiced things that have been rolling around in his head for the past few months. He misses his home, he misses Rapunzel and Eugene- even Lance a little. He misses Cass, wherever she is, and the girls. He misses his dad desperately- it feels like they were only just starting to connect and now they've been ripped apart again. He misses Corona and his duty to it.
But the people here have become to matter so much to him, too. He's got friends his own age- something he never had back home. He has people like Amal, like family. He has Fern. People he doesn't have back home. And he can make a life here, too- he can go to school and learn things beyond his wildest dreams in his time period back in Corona. ]
...I guess you're right. If our worlds are doomed to end, it's like we just...jumped the queue. And no, I- I get that. I don't want to leave the people back home and I don't want to leave the people here either. It's- it's like two separate lives and I don't wanna miss either of them. But I can't have both.
[He lets out a soft huff, frowning at the ground.]
There really isn't a right answer, and I hate that.
[Hearing Varian's thoughts on it... helps. Because this is the first time Amal's said any of this out loud to anyone, least of all himself, and he's realizing that maybe he's in deeper than he ever planned for.]
Sometimes there isn't a clear path. I know that, I've lived that, and yet...
[He sighs heavily. He doesn't want to drag Varian down with him. He knows he has a tendency to overthink things.]
One of the first friends I made here didn't have a future to go back to, but he still disappeared... If he'd found a way out, I think he would have done everything he could to make sure we knew what it was, so that we could rejoin our friends and family.
Maybe it's all up to chance. Maybe the hold that this place has on us out-of-timers is tenuous, and it snaps like a rubber band. And then we wink out of sight and wake up where we left off.
That doesn't mean we can't help where we're needed. Whether we put our efforts toward finding a way back, or we help the people right in front of us, I think it's all worth pursuing. And if we find that way back, if we all work together and accomplish that, then our reward is... a choice. Being able to choose for ourselves.
There's no point in stressing about that decision until we have to make it.
[Varian is the lord god of overthinking. He could do with overthinking less honestly, he'd probably be a lot happier in the long run for it. He'd sure carry far less guilt around with him if he learned to let all these what-ifs go. But he doesn't, so here he is.
He nods, feeling something tug at his heart.]
I- I know if Rapunzel got back to Corona and remembered I was here, she'd- she'd stop at nothing to get me back. Much like your friend. Which suggests either we don't go back or...we don't remember this place.
[Neither are GREAT options, really. But he knows Rapunzel would have moved heaven and earth to get him back. She wouldn't abandon him if he needed her- not again. Never again. Cass? He's not sure about- she came here from a different time to him and they weren't exactly on good terms.
He considers what Amal says and he has a really good point. He flashes a wry smile.]
I dunno, I'm really good at stressing about decisions. [Even ones he hasn't made yet. He doesn't want to make the wrong one again. Or at least...not one so monumentally wrong. The portal had been bad enough. ] But you're right. I- I can't do anything about getting back home, that-that's been made pretty clear. Nothing as obvious as a portal anyway. But I can help people still living here and I...I think I want to do that. Help people. And... I guess that's a good choice? right?
[Amal looks sympathetic. At least Varian's friend didn't have the coldness of oblivion waiting for her. He can't say the same for Zelos. Not being in control is scary, but he's learned to deal with it... a little, anyway.
"Put it off until you have to deal with it" is a valid strategy here.
But oh, he's so very glad to hear that Varian still wants to help people even after everything he's suffered, and everything he's done.]
That's right. And it's what I'm going to do, too, so you're not alone.
If you ever feel like your steps are faltering, I'll pick you up and make sure you stay on the path. I know it isn't always easy to see.
[She definitely doesn't have oblivion waiting for her. Something Varian is glad for. As much as he misses the people he has back home, he knows they're all safe. Zhan Tiri is gone, everyone can just get along with their lives.
He still as he listens to what Amal has to say to him- the acknowledgement that Varian stumbling as he tries to do better isn't some immense failure he'd be disappointed in. That was something he was always so afraid of with Quirin. It was better before he got dragged into this world, but Varian had always been worried that one wrong slip-up might just make him a failure. Someone to be ashamed of.
He plays with his hands, clasping and unclasping them, diverting some nervous energy as he tries to process this without crying. ]
Thank you. [It's quiet but very sincere. The path was SO HARD to see. Sometimes he thought he was doing the absolutely right thing and then it made things worse. Sometimes he tried so hard and everything fell apart. But knowing Amal won't look down on him for that means more than he can put into words. ] I- I'm not so good at that. Um- knowing I can't see the path. I know I mess up a lot. I wish I was better at knowing how not to do that. So you're...probably gonna be picking me up a lot. Sorry.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
no subject
[Quirin might be the leader of the village, but they were still piss-poor farmers. Horses were a luxury no one in the village could afford. He chews his lip.]
I never really thought about the distance, honestly. I- I just wanted to get there for my dad. Not that it mattered, in the end. But I still tried.
[It took too long, and the help he needed wasn't there when he made it. ]
I...after that I figured I'd try and get the original flower that gave Rapunzel her powers- maybe that could free him. I had to find out where it was kept first though, so I drugged the guards with a truth serum to find that out first. [As you do.] Then I convinced Rapunzel to help me steal it. I...she knew it would be treason to take it, but she helped me anyway because I lied to her about using it to help everyone. When we finally got there, I stole the flower myself and left her to take the fall.
no subject
[Oh. This is where it escalates. His eyebrows rise, but he doesn't make any disparaging comments. He's... impressed? Should he be impressed? It's obvious to him that Varian was using everything he had to try to free his dad, though betraying the princess was a dick move. Amal probably wouldn't have done that part.
Regardless, Varian isn't here for coddling, just for Amal to listen.]
... Were you able to help your father?
no subject
No...not then. The flower did nothing. It- it was just dead all the power was in Rapunzel. But I- I knew I'd burned that bridge. I knew I'd have to force her to come and help me. I drugged Ruddiger, and turned him into a...monster. Temporarily. To distract them all. While he was attacking the guards, I kidnapped the queen. I...I thought she'd come to save her mother. Do anything for her.
[There's so much guilt in his voice as he speaks- he hates himself for what he did and it's clear in his voice.]
She did. What was left of the guard were kept busy with these robots I'd built and already tested on them once...to- to make sure they'd struggle fighting them. Rapunzel and the king snuck in, but I was waiting for them. I- I used my amber near the queen, so it was growing by her. To force Rapunzel to help me.
no subject
Oh.
[Not judging, just... surprised.]
I see how this could spin wildly out of your control...
What happened after that?
no subject
[And that feeling only got worse and fed much nastier things.]
Rapunzel's hair didn't work. I tried but it...the amber wouldn't break. She and her parents escaped and I saw them together and thought I'd- I just thought I'd never have that again. Nothing I did was going to save my dad. And I just- I guess I snapped more than I had done already.
[He shifts uncomfortably.]
I- I got into a bigger robot, one I piloted myself. I attacked them all. I managed to- to get hold of the queen and Rapunzel's best friend, Cassandra. I wanted her to know what it felt like to have someone she cared about ripped away. So- so I tried to crush them to death.
[The guilt is palpable in his tone, clenching and unclenching his hands together, brow furrowed.]
I...I was stopped, before I could actually kill anyone, thankfully. Rapunzel worked out her connection to the rocks and she managed to take me down. I...went to prison for a year and that should be the end of the story but it's...uh. Not.
no subject
Oh, Varian...
[All of this is a lot, but Amal has still dealt with 'worse'-- if you ignore the fact that Varian is just a kid. Nero and Gaius were full ass adults, and were treated as such.]
I'm relieved that you didn't do something you couldn't take back, but... that's a lot to deal with. For you and your friends. And prison couldn't have been a leisurely stroll either.
Let me guess: when you got out, you were angry and hadn't dealt with anything you were feeling?
tw: sucicidal intention
[He nods, hugging his arm around himself.]
My cellmate...Andrew? He- he was part of this group that hated Corona. He convinced me to join them when we broke out. I helped them get to the king and queen and wiped their memories with magic. I used them to control the citizens of the Kingdom- to make them mine for a mineral that I could use to turn the memory magic into a gas- something that would wipe everyone's memories. I...I just wanted to make everyone to forget what I'd done. Just- wipe the slate clean, it was so stupid.
[But Andrew had been so charming and convincing, had been someone Varian believed he could trust when he had no one else. ]
Rapunzel had been travelling, to understand more about the moonstone- but when she came back they revealed their real plan was to use my alchemy to destroy the entire city. I didn't want that, I didn't want anyone to die. So...I helped Rapunzel get onto the airship they were gonna drop my alchemy from and tried to neutralise it. Andrew caught me and tried to kill me, but we managed to fight them off. But he'd done damage to the ship. It was dropping in altitude too fast, and if it crashed everyone would die.
[He looks down at the floor, uneasy. He's aware this part of the story doesn't go down well- Fern was pretty damn upset about it and that's always in the forefront of his mind.]
I figured out we could use my alchemy to get the ship higher, but someone had to stay behind to get it up there- and when everything heat up enough for the ship to explode... I told Rapunzel to get off the ship and- and let me deal with it. I had to clean up my own mess and...it's not like there was anyone left who'd have missed me anyway. [He exhales sharply.] She wouldn't let me though, she pushed me off and managed to survive the blast with her hair. Everyone was saved. She- she used the knowledge she'd gained on her travels to free my father and...he was okay too.
[Thankfully, Varian's not sure how well he would have coped if he hadn't been. He feels a pang in his chest at the thought. He misses his dad so much.]
I'd spent the rest of my time doing everything I could to help the kingdom. To- to try and even out the scales of all the bad I'd done. To just make things better instead of worse, y'know?
no subject
Yeah... this story, though larger in magnitude than Amal's misadventures in his own country, has a familiar ring to it.]
I'm glad that Rapunzel saw the real you. It isn't often that one finds friends like that, and it's even harder to keep them... but I'm sure you know that by now.
[He drains the rest of his tea and sets it down.]
I promise you won't lose me. Telling me all of this really took some courage and I admire you for that. I just wish you didn't have to learn all those lessons in the hardest way possible.
At your age, you shouldn't—you shouldn't be ready to die. You shouldn't have to even think about things that aren't the problems in front of you, or what you want to do when you grow up. It's messed up that they ignored your calls for help... and it's messed up that they threw you in prison instead of trying to prevent this sort of thing from happening again to someone else. That doesn't absolve you of your own decisions, of course, but a kingdom is only as good as how they treat their most vulnerable people.
no subject
Yeah- yeah I know that. I'm really lucky to have her.
[The you won't lose me twists something in his heart. He'd be lying if he said he hadn't come here worried that might happen. This isn't like home- people have to be told about his sketchy past, and he's been so scared that they might see him as a completely different person after learning the truth. He dislikes that part of him so much, it's easy to imagine anyone else would, too.
But here he is, being surprised again. Tears prick at the corners of his eyes as Amal continues. He's never wanted absolution for what he did, not at all- but hearing someone felt he was treated wrongly in turn when he's built up in his head he deserved all of it sure does wrench his chest.]
I guess- [his voice wavers and he struggles to temper it] I guess I always felt that- that what they did to me was fair. After...after everything I did to them. [But it had been weeks between what happened his dad and Rapunzel finally showing up at his home, and even that wasn't for him, not really. ] I sometimes wonder if...if maybe things would have been different if she'd come to help. Even...after the snow. Like- maybe I wouldn't have gone so far. But...I don't know. Maybe I would have just turned out like that anyway.
[Maybe he's just that damaged.]
no subject
It's no use thinking about the what-ifs. Some things are only for the gods to know, as they say.
[He slips out of his chair and kneels beside Varian's instead. Don't assume he missed the beginning of those tears. He loops his arm around the back of Varian's chair but doesn't pull him into a hug—though the offer is there. He doesn't know how touchy the teen is, and doesn't want to push a boundary.]
You're here now, and that means something. So you take one step forward, and then another, and then another after that. Little by little, it'll get easier, until you're not thinking about how heavy your boots are anymore.
I know because I've been there. I wasn't much older than you when they locked me up the first time.
no subject
...I-I really hope so. I'd been trying so hard back home to help but-but I still ended up messing up a lot even if I didn't mean to. And then I got here and I wanted to help people get home and-and I messed up that so badly.
[He just keeps making mistake after mistake and he ultimately sees that as a failure in his attempts at being a good person. Not healthy, but that's the rut he's put himself in. But Amal's comment does catch him off-guard, and he turns his head to look at him blinking in surprise. ]
They- they locked you away?
no subject
You're still learning. Your heart is in the right place, and that matters more than people like to admit. Even though it's hard, even though it hurts, hold onto the piece of you that wants to help people and make the world better for everyone. It's worth keeping.
[He meets Varian's eyes and nods slowly.]
That's right. I've been on my own for most of my life, like I've said before. Sometimes it meant stealing food just to survive. When I was old enough I learned how to cut purses from the merchants and tourists who looked down on us, and I tried to help the people around me, but they didn't want the money. I bought food instead and left it for them, but that got someone in trouble, and... well, one thing led to another.
I wouldn't listen to anyone who tried to warn me. Nothing worked. So the guards put me in prison at sixteen, and I didn't get out for... six months? Something like that.
Mine was a righteous cause, I thought. I didn't realize that the way I was 'helping' was only hurting those around me. When no one wanted anything to do with me, I only doubled down on it like I was some kind of pariah... I was in and out of gaol so many times I knew the guards by name.
By the time I was tired of it and I wanted to live honestly, it was too late. No one would hire me. I was constantly on the run because I'd escaped my sentencing, and I was trapped. Instead of facing what I did and trying to atone, like you did, I stowed away on a boat to a distant land and started over.
[He gently sets his hand on top of Varian's hair for a moment.]
But I never stopped trying to help people. I got stronger, and smarter, and I made friends who steered me in the right direction—that's the important part, because it meant I wasn't suffering alone.
[A pause, and he tries for a bit of levity.]
I also learned that having wanted posters in two countries is really inconvenient.
no subject
It's worth keeping.]
Yeah. I- I don't want to lose that part of me. Never again. I... I don't want to be that person ever again.
[He doesn't want to be so angry that he forgets that he wants to help people. He struggles to see the forest for the trees, but he doesn't want it to get to the point where he's actively harming others again.
he's quiet as Amal talks. And some of that sounds...well, extremely familiar. He guesses that makes sense. He trusts and finds a great amount of comfort and safety in Amal. Seems that was his subconscious latching onto the familiar, even if he didn't know it at the time. A tiny smile crosses his face.]
That sounds like a friend of mine back home. He um- he was pretty renowned as a thief up until a few years ago. And then he met Rapunzel and she made his life...better. She has a habit of that.
[Of making lives better. Even after everything they'd put each other through, he knew Rapunzel did make things better for him. Her actions might have been what finally made him walk into the darkness, but he would have never found his way out without her, either.]
I'm glad that you had people to help you. And- and that you weren't alone. You're a really good person, if it means anything? I mean...I think you are.
[He manages a tiny little hah.]
Yeah that has to be rough, it was hard enough in one.
no subject
[No hesitation. Just complete faith. The funny thing about being that young is... it's easier to make things happen simply because one believes in them. Amal isn't so old that he's out of touch, but he fell into the trap of becoming jaded, and wasted a few opportunities by doing so.]
Wow, really? A renowned thief! It's good to hear that he was able to turn everything around. Rapunzel must be truly special if she was able to do that for him and for you. [If Varian had decided to blame Rapunzel for everything, this might be a very different conversation.]
You—what. [His brain shorts out a little. Good person? Him? He turns a little red, his cheeks darkening and also the tips of his ears, which is a funny sight.] I-I'm not a good person, not really. I just... I've been through a lot, that's all.
[He pauses, then he holds out the arm that isn't involved in supporting Varian right now.]
If you look closely, you can see the scars underneath my tattoos. [Pale scarred skin from deep gashes, stab wounds, swords... even something like old shackle wounds around his wrists. They don't line up with the swirly tribal markings on top. Some of them are close, but the vast majority exist on their own, as if covering them was a concept he got bored of.] Every single one of these is a story. A lesson. I've been fighting like hell my whole life and it shows.
If I can keep someone else from going through this, it means I've done something with what I've been given. It won't make up for all the things I've done... but it makes it easier to sleep at night.
no subject
Hah, yeah. Rapunzel is pretty special. She um...had a lot of us in her inner circle. Ex-convicts, I mean. She truly believes everyone deserves a second chance. Sometimes even a third or fourth.
[He shrugs. ]
I said what I said. You- you were listening to hear me out and you're being pretty supportive, ergo I stand by my statement.
[So. Suck it! He leans in a little to examine the tattoos, and huh, there they are. He's quiet for a moment, taking in what Amal has to say, nodding.] I think I understand. And that's...yeah, that's good. Trying to stop other people making the same mistakes you did.
[He thinks about Cass, frowns softly.]
I tried that. I don't think it worked so well.
no subject
[He's had a change of heart about some things recently though, and he thinks it's for the better.]
Us peasants have to stick together, right?
[He's definitely not going to get into a 'nuh uh' argument with Varian, as it would cost any ground he's gained during this conversation, so he just lets Varian look and ask questions. He's a sharp kid, there's no doubt about that.]
The thing about that is... you can tell someone your story, but in the end, it's their choice to follow your advice or not. You can't take responsibility for their actions.
Sometimes, all you can do is to be there when the dust settles.
no subject
[Lord knows where he would have ended up without her intervention. He doesn't like to think about it. King Fredrick has never been kind towards anyone who poses a threat to his daughter, which given what happened with Gothel was pretty fair.
A tiny smile is pulled out of him.]
Yeah...I guess we do.
[A wise move on Amal's part really. He's gaining some pretty solid ground as a go-to adult for problems. He considers what the man has to say, hums softly and nods.]
Yeah...that makes sense. I- she left, afterwards, I think she needed to figure herself out, but I hope what I had to say to her helped her a little. But you're right. People have to work this out on their own. I know I wouldn't have listened to reason until...after.
no subject
[If he's a good person to come to for problems, it's because he makes solving them his day job. Also causing them. That's his night job.]
Gods know I've had my moments. Sometimes the only way to learn a lesson is to have it swing back and punch you in the face...
Still, I hope your friend finds her path. And I hope that path returns her to you and the princess safely.
no subject
[That's something he can very much stand by now, even after...everything. Maybe even because of everything. Rapunzel has proven herself as a ruler so many times over now. ]
Yeah. [Absently, he raps once on the side of his own head.] Sometimes takes a solid whack for something to sink into a thick skull.
[He smiles. He misses Cass a lot, but he understands healing from what she did, what he did takes time. He needed people around him to start his healing, Cass needs time to herself. ]
Me too, I'll be glad to see her again. ...I mean, if I ever get out of here, I guess? Which is still...unknown.
no subject
It's a bit complicated for people in our position, isn't it?
[He shakes his head.]
There might not be anything to return to. Time hasn't caught up for you and me but eventually it will. Our worlds only have so many grains of sand left in the hourglass. If any of this is to be believed, we were supposed to be reborn along with everyone else.
So... do we keep trying to find a way back, even though we know how our story ends? Or do we treasure the time we have with the people around us, and try to write something new?
I don't know what the right answer is, or if there's even a right answer. Maybe it doesn't matter at all, because time didn't even seem to pass at home while I was here...
[He drags his hand down his face out of frustration.]
No matter how I look at it, every option feels like I'm abandoning someone.
no subject
Just a little bit, yeah.
[But Amal has voiced things that have been rolling around in his head for the past few months. He misses his home, he misses Rapunzel and Eugene- even Lance a little. He misses Cass, wherever she is, and the girls. He misses his dad desperately- it feels like they were only just starting to connect and now they've been ripped apart again. He misses Corona and his duty to it.
But the people here have become to matter so much to him, too. He's got friends his own age- something he never had back home. He has people like Amal, like family. He has Fern. People he doesn't have back home. And he can make a life here, too- he can go to school and learn things beyond his wildest dreams in his time period back in Corona. ]
...I guess you're right. If our worlds are doomed to end, it's like we just...jumped the queue. And no, I- I get that. I don't want to leave the people back home and I don't want to leave the people here either. It's- it's like two separate lives and I don't wanna miss either of them. But I can't have both.
[He lets out a soft huff, frowning at the ground.]
There really isn't a right answer, and I hate that.
no subject
Sometimes there isn't a clear path. I know that, I've lived that, and yet...
[He sighs heavily. He doesn't want to drag Varian down with him. He knows he has a tendency to overthink things.]
One of the first friends I made here didn't have a future to go back to, but he still disappeared... If he'd found a way out, I think he would have done everything he could to make sure we knew what it was, so that we could rejoin our friends and family.
Maybe it's all up to chance. Maybe the hold that this place has on us out-of-timers is tenuous, and it snaps like a rubber band. And then we wink out of sight and wake up where we left off.
That doesn't mean we can't help where we're needed. Whether we put our efforts toward finding a way back, or we help the people right in front of us, I think it's all worth pursuing. And if we find that way back, if we all work together and accomplish that, then our reward is... a choice. Being able to choose for ourselves.
There's no point in stressing about that decision until we have to make it.
no subject
He nods, feeling something tug at his heart.]
I- I know if Rapunzel got back to Corona and remembered I was here, she'd- she'd stop at nothing to get me back. Much like your friend. Which suggests either we don't go back or...we don't remember this place.
[Neither are GREAT options, really. But he knows Rapunzel would have moved heaven and earth to get him back. She wouldn't abandon him if he needed her- not again. Never again. Cass? He's not sure about- she came here from a different time to him and they weren't exactly on good terms.
He considers what Amal says and he has a really good point. He flashes a wry smile.]
I dunno, I'm really good at stressing about decisions. [Even ones he hasn't made yet. He doesn't want to make the wrong one again. Or at least...not one so monumentally wrong. The portal had been bad enough. ] But you're right. I- I can't do anything about getting back home, that-that's been made pretty clear. Nothing as obvious as a portal anyway. But I can help people still living here and I...I think I want to do that. Help people. And... I guess that's a good choice? right?
no subject
"Put it off until you have to deal with it" is a valid strategy here.
But oh, he's so very glad to hear that Varian still wants to help people even after everything he's suffered, and everything he's done.]
That's right. And it's what I'm going to do, too, so you're not alone.
If you ever feel like your steps are faltering, I'll pick you up and make sure you stay on the path. I know it isn't always easy to see.
no subject
He still as he listens to what Amal has to say to him- the acknowledgement that Varian stumbling as he tries to do better isn't some immense failure he'd be disappointed in. That was something he was always so afraid of with Quirin. It was better before he got dragged into this world, but Varian had always been worried that one wrong slip-up might just make him a failure. Someone to be ashamed of.
He plays with his hands, clasping and unclasping them, diverting some nervous energy as he tries to process this without crying. ]
Thank you. [It's quiet but very sincere. The path was SO HARD to see. Sometimes he thought he was doing the absolutely right thing and then it made things worse. Sometimes he tried so hard and everything fell apart. But knowing Amal won't look down on him for that means more than he can put into words. ] I- I'm not so good at that. Um- knowing I can't see the path. I know I mess up a lot. I wish I was better at knowing how not to do that. So you're...probably gonna be picking me up a lot. Sorry.
(no subject)
(no subject)