[Varian doesn't mind the hair mussing at all- it's honestly pretty comforting, given everything. ]
Just a little bit, yeah.
[But Amal has voiced things that have been rolling around in his head for the past few months. He misses his home, he misses Rapunzel and Eugene- even Lance a little. He misses Cass, wherever she is, and the girls. He misses his dad desperately- it feels like they were only just starting to connect and now they've been ripped apart again. He misses Corona and his duty to it.
But the people here have become to matter so much to him, too. He's got friends his own age- something he never had back home. He has people like Amal, like family. He has Fern. People he doesn't have back home. And he can make a life here, too- he can go to school and learn things beyond his wildest dreams in his time period back in Corona. ]
...I guess you're right. If our worlds are doomed to end, it's like we just...jumped the queue. And no, I- I get that. I don't want to leave the people back home and I don't want to leave the people here either. It's- it's like two separate lives and I don't wanna miss either of them. But I can't have both.
[He lets out a soft huff, frowning at the ground.]
There really isn't a right answer, and I hate that.
[Hearing Varian's thoughts on it... helps. Because this is the first time Amal's said any of this out loud to anyone, least of all himself, and he's realizing that maybe he's in deeper than he ever planned for.]
Sometimes there isn't a clear path. I know that, I've lived that, and yet...
[He sighs heavily. He doesn't want to drag Varian down with him. He knows he has a tendency to overthink things.]
One of the first friends I made here didn't have a future to go back to, but he still disappeared... If he'd found a way out, I think he would have done everything he could to make sure we knew what it was, so that we could rejoin our friends and family.
Maybe it's all up to chance. Maybe the hold that this place has on us out-of-timers is tenuous, and it snaps like a rubber band. And then we wink out of sight and wake up where we left off.
That doesn't mean we can't help where we're needed. Whether we put our efforts toward finding a way back, or we help the people right in front of us, I think it's all worth pursuing. And if we find that way back, if we all work together and accomplish that, then our reward is... a choice. Being able to choose for ourselves.
There's no point in stressing about that decision until we have to make it.
[Varian is the lord god of overthinking. He could do with overthinking less honestly, he'd probably be a lot happier in the long run for it. He'd sure carry far less guilt around with him if he learned to let all these what-ifs go. But he doesn't, so here he is.
He nods, feeling something tug at his heart.]
I- I know if Rapunzel got back to Corona and remembered I was here, she'd- she'd stop at nothing to get me back. Much like your friend. Which suggests either we don't go back or...we don't remember this place.
[Neither are GREAT options, really. But he knows Rapunzel would have moved heaven and earth to get him back. She wouldn't abandon him if he needed her- not again. Never again. Cass? He's not sure about- she came here from a different time to him and they weren't exactly on good terms.
He considers what Amal says and he has a really good point. He flashes a wry smile.]
I dunno, I'm really good at stressing about decisions. [Even ones he hasn't made yet. He doesn't want to make the wrong one again. Or at least...not one so monumentally wrong. The portal had been bad enough. ] But you're right. I- I can't do anything about getting back home, that-that's been made pretty clear. Nothing as obvious as a portal anyway. But I can help people still living here and I...I think I want to do that. Help people. And... I guess that's a good choice? right?
[Amal looks sympathetic. At least Varian's friend didn't have the coldness of oblivion waiting for her. He can't say the same for Zelos. Not being in control is scary, but he's learned to deal with it... a little, anyway.
"Put it off until you have to deal with it" is a valid strategy here.
But oh, he's so very glad to hear that Varian still wants to help people even after everything he's suffered, and everything he's done.]
That's right. And it's what I'm going to do, too, so you're not alone.
If you ever feel like your steps are faltering, I'll pick you up and make sure you stay on the path. I know it isn't always easy to see.
[She definitely doesn't have oblivion waiting for her. Something Varian is glad for. As much as he misses the people he has back home, he knows they're all safe. Zhan Tiri is gone, everyone can just get along with their lives.
He still as he listens to what Amal has to say to him- the acknowledgement that Varian stumbling as he tries to do better isn't some immense failure he'd be disappointed in. That was something he was always so afraid of with Quirin. It was better before he got dragged into this world, but Varian had always been worried that one wrong slip-up might just make him a failure. Someone to be ashamed of.
He plays with his hands, clasping and unclasping them, diverting some nervous energy as he tries to process this without crying. ]
Thank you. [It's quiet but very sincere. The path was SO HARD to see. Sometimes he thought he was doing the absolutely right thing and then it made things worse. Sometimes he tried so hard and everything fell apart. But knowing Amal won't look down on him for that means more than he can put into words. ] I- I'm not so good at that. Um- knowing I can't see the path. I know I mess up a lot. I wish I was better at knowing how not to do that. So you're...probably gonna be picking me up a lot. Sorry.
[Amal closes his eyes for a moment. Watching Varian stammer and struggle, all nervous of failure but wanting so much to be acknowledged-- it makes him ache. There's no doubt that he sees himself in the teen, and projection can be unhealthy. But he sees some other things there, too. A spark of goodness that others are too preoccupied to notice. A thirst for knowledge. A drive to innovate. A desire to help others.
He looks Varian straight in the eyes.]
I'm in this for the journey, [he says firmly.] I won't toss you aside at the first opportunity. You're important. You deserve to be given the chance to grow, to... to live. How are you supposed to learn if no one shows you?
[Fuck it. He'll wrap his arms around Varian again, though not too tight. He knows how the string bean can get squirrelly.]
I can't promise I won't make mistakes. I can't always see the path either. But I can promise to show you the best I can, and make sure you don't go into the long dark alone.
I've never known a father, or a brother, or any of that... so I don't really know what I'm doing. But if it helps you to think of me as something like that, I won't mind.
[Varian wanted to do good for so long. He wanted to make the world a better place and for his father to have pride in him for doing so. Sure, there was that blip in his life where he just wanted the whole damn world to burn- when he felt he had nothing left to build a better world for, but after that...well. After that, it was about making the world a better place than the bad he put into it. And that's where he is now. In an endless uphill battle against the spectre of his past mistakes, trying to make good and not really sure when good is good enough. Maybe never.
How are you supposed to learn if no one shows you?
Wow, does that just lodge somewhere in his chest, good and deep. He's pushed himself so far, always under the impression that he has to figure this out alone- that he should. Everything was always happening so much to other people around him that he just accepted he wouldn't be anyone's priority. It was what it was. Before he came here, he took whatever crumbs of affection or attention he could get and made himself content with it. To be told that he's important, that he matters - it means more than he can put into words.
It's when he struggling to find those words that Amal hugs him again and this time he doesn't fight against it. He hugs back, now it's this time Varian giving the tighter hug back, he sucks in a breath- trying to fight the tears again. But at least these ones aren't sad ones- grateful, happy instead. ]
That means so much.
[The offer to stay with him, to not leave him alone in dealing with all of this. ]
I- I promise I'll stick around too, if-if you struggle with the path yourself. Like...man, I get mistakes, obviously. I won't ever use those as a reason to turn my back on you.
[A big thing, a promise, for him, but it's there regardless. And the offer is definitely not lost on Varian. He doubts anyone would take the place of Quirin- but having someone close to that- having someone offer to be that. He's so very grateful for that. He pulls back with a sad little chuckle, rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his hand.]
Thanks. That- I really appreciate that. It- it means more than I can say, really. I'm not so good with the...words. [Or people-ing.] But it really does mean so much.
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no subject
Just a little bit, yeah.
[But Amal has voiced things that have been rolling around in his head for the past few months. He misses his home, he misses Rapunzel and Eugene- even Lance a little. He misses Cass, wherever she is, and the girls. He misses his dad desperately- it feels like they were only just starting to connect and now they've been ripped apart again. He misses Corona and his duty to it.
But the people here have become to matter so much to him, too. He's got friends his own age- something he never had back home. He has people like Amal, like family. He has Fern. People he doesn't have back home. And he can make a life here, too- he can go to school and learn things beyond his wildest dreams in his time period back in Corona. ]
...I guess you're right. If our worlds are doomed to end, it's like we just...jumped the queue. And no, I- I get that. I don't want to leave the people back home and I don't want to leave the people here either. It's- it's like two separate lives and I don't wanna miss either of them. But I can't have both.
[He lets out a soft huff, frowning at the ground.]
There really isn't a right answer, and I hate that.
no subject
Sometimes there isn't a clear path. I know that, I've lived that, and yet...
[He sighs heavily. He doesn't want to drag Varian down with him. He knows he has a tendency to overthink things.]
One of the first friends I made here didn't have a future to go back to, but he still disappeared... If he'd found a way out, I think he would have done everything he could to make sure we knew what it was, so that we could rejoin our friends and family.
Maybe it's all up to chance. Maybe the hold that this place has on us out-of-timers is tenuous, and it snaps like a rubber band. And then we wink out of sight and wake up where we left off.
That doesn't mean we can't help where we're needed. Whether we put our efforts toward finding a way back, or we help the people right in front of us, I think it's all worth pursuing. And if we find that way back, if we all work together and accomplish that, then our reward is... a choice. Being able to choose for ourselves.
There's no point in stressing about that decision until we have to make it.
no subject
He nods, feeling something tug at his heart.]
I- I know if Rapunzel got back to Corona and remembered I was here, she'd- she'd stop at nothing to get me back. Much like your friend. Which suggests either we don't go back or...we don't remember this place.
[Neither are GREAT options, really. But he knows Rapunzel would have moved heaven and earth to get him back. She wouldn't abandon him if he needed her- not again. Never again. Cass? He's not sure about- she came here from a different time to him and they weren't exactly on good terms.
He considers what Amal says and he has a really good point. He flashes a wry smile.]
I dunno, I'm really good at stressing about decisions. [Even ones he hasn't made yet. He doesn't want to make the wrong one again. Or at least...not one so monumentally wrong. The portal had been bad enough. ] But you're right. I- I can't do anything about getting back home, that-that's been made pretty clear. Nothing as obvious as a portal anyway. But I can help people still living here and I...I think I want to do that. Help people. And... I guess that's a good choice? right?
no subject
"Put it off until you have to deal with it" is a valid strategy here.
But oh, he's so very glad to hear that Varian still wants to help people even after everything he's suffered, and everything he's done.]
That's right. And it's what I'm going to do, too, so you're not alone.
If you ever feel like your steps are faltering, I'll pick you up and make sure you stay on the path. I know it isn't always easy to see.
no subject
He still as he listens to what Amal has to say to him- the acknowledgement that Varian stumbling as he tries to do better isn't some immense failure he'd be disappointed in. That was something he was always so afraid of with Quirin. It was better before he got dragged into this world, but Varian had always been worried that one wrong slip-up might just make him a failure. Someone to be ashamed of.
He plays with his hands, clasping and unclasping them, diverting some nervous energy as he tries to process this without crying. ]
Thank you. [It's quiet but very sincere. The path was SO HARD to see. Sometimes he thought he was doing the absolutely right thing and then it made things worse. Sometimes he tried so hard and everything fell apart. But knowing Amal won't look down on him for that means more than he can put into words. ] I- I'm not so good at that. Um- knowing I can't see the path. I know I mess up a lot. I wish I was better at knowing how not to do that. So you're...probably gonna be picking me up a lot. Sorry.
no subject
He looks Varian straight in the eyes.]
I'm in this for the journey, [he says firmly.] I won't toss you aside at the first opportunity. You're important. You deserve to be given the chance to grow, to... to live. How are you supposed to learn if no one shows you?
[Fuck it. He'll wrap his arms around Varian again, though not too tight. He knows how the string bean can get squirrelly.]
I can't promise I won't make mistakes. I can't always see the path either. But I can promise to show you the best I can, and make sure you don't go into the long dark alone.
I've never known a father, or a brother, or any of that... so I don't really know what I'm doing. But if it helps you to think of me as something like that, I won't mind.
no subject
How are you supposed to learn if no one shows you?
Wow, does that just lodge somewhere in his chest, good and deep. He's pushed himself so far, always under the impression that he has to figure this out alone- that he should. Everything was always happening so much to other people around him that he just accepted he wouldn't be anyone's priority. It was what it was. Before he came here, he took whatever crumbs of affection or attention he could get and made himself content with it. To be told that he's important, that he matters - it means more than he can put into words.
It's when he struggling to find those words that Amal hugs him again and this time he doesn't fight against it. He hugs back, now it's this time Varian giving the tighter hug back, he sucks in a breath- trying to fight the tears again. But at least these ones aren't sad ones- grateful, happy instead. ]
That means so much.
[The offer to stay with him, to not leave him alone in dealing with all of this. ]
I- I promise I'll stick around too, if-if you struggle with the path yourself. Like...man, I get mistakes, obviously. I won't ever use those as a reason to turn my back on you.
[A big thing, a promise, for him, but it's there regardless. And the offer is definitely not lost on Varian. He doubts anyone would take the place of Quirin- but having someone close to that- having someone offer to be that. He's so very grateful for that. He pulls back with a sad little chuckle, rubbing at his eyes with the heel of his hand.]
Thanks. That- I really appreciate that. It- it means more than I can say, really. I'm not so good with the...words. [Or people-ing.] But it really does mean so much.