I know it's hard to think about the future right now, or how anything worthwhile could come from so much sadness, but you have my word. You'll see the way out. [He brushes Varian's cheeks.] None of that, of course, makes the suffering okay, or makes it hurt less. But we'll get through it together.
[His hand pauses midair as Varian talks about dying. It's not said casually, like hey, I almost died! Amal's almost died a few times. But this... no, he died for real. And his body came along with them for... some reason. There are implications with that, things that make his mind start to race, but after a moment he closes his eyes and lets out a slow, deep breath. He has to center himself.
The facts: Varian doesn't seem to know who it is, and probably wouldn't tell Amal even if he knew; everyone was hallucinating and out of their minds so revenge probably wouldn't be justified; there is a body and it needs to be disposed of.
He feels a need for retribution but nowhere to direct it to. A burning anger. A chilling sadness. In the end, all he can do is wrap his arms around Varian again and hold him tightly.]
That is incredibly... messed up. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry... You don't deserve this. You never deserved any of this.
[He presses a few kisses into Varian's hair.]
You're safe here, I promise. It won't happen again. Okay? It won't. [A pause.] Do you... do you and Jun need help burying... uh... your doppelganger?
I've... I've got some experience with burial. Unfortunately.
...Yeah. I know. That's- it's something that's gonna take time, but I know. [He manages a weak smile, at Amal's touch, his comfort- it really does mean a lot. He knows Amal is a massive stability for him in this world, honestly, without him? He wouldn't be anywhere near the person he is today. Amal has done more for him than he could ever put into words, and he's glad for the comfort he's getting now. ] We will, I know I can handle it with you around, Dad. You... you always help so much with... well, everything. Thanks.
[Thanks for being a good dad. For not giving up on him when he was such a blatant lost cause. For continuing to be there for him every single time.
He lets out a few slow breaths, trying to find calm. He'd dreaded telling Amal this. His dad has only been back on the app for such a short time, he didn't need this dropped on his lap so soon. He brushes away some tears with the heel of his hand. ]
I know. I know I'm safe here.
[He can always fully believe a promise like that, no need to second-guess it at all. He knows Amal will always be there for him. Always. ]
It's okay. I don't- I don't want you to have to see that. Heck, I'm gonna avoid looking at it as much as possible. Jun said he can deal with it. There's uh... more than me. So. [He rubs his arm.] But I don't want him to have to deal with that alone, either. It's... a lot.
I had help, too, when I went through some things. All I'm doing is paying it forward. Besides, I promised I'd help you, didn't I?
[Amal's too humble, but that's a true glimpse into the kind of person he is: reckless, yes, but someone who doesn't hesitate to put his life on the line when there is literally no other option. He just wishes that Varian had a less tumultuous life, that he'd run into Amal in a different timeline where Amal was a merchant prince and absolutely ordinary. A life like that was surely more stable than whatever the hell went on in Kaisou on a daily basis.]
... Jun... [He sighs.] That kid is always taking so much on his shoulders.
All right. I won't stop you. [He squeezes Varian's shoulder gently.] But if you change your mind, let me know, okay? I'm always ready to tag in. No matter what it is.
I know, and it feels a little more than paying it forward. I mean... you've given me more than... most people have ever. [ After all, Amal gave him a home. A family. It means so much. A smile tugs his lips lightly. ] Yeah, you did, and I'll always hold you to that.
[As he does with all promises. They are an unshakable agreement, for him. And he vastly loved Amal just how he is. He'd never want him even slightly different. After all, Varian was good at getting himself into trouble on his own. Having his father- this father - here to put him back together was priceless. ]
...Yeah. He's uh- dealing with it as a duty... thing.
[ A Shroud thing, he means. And Varian knows better than to interrupt Shroud when he's in Mission Mode. He smiles, leaning in to give his dad another hug. ]
I will, I promise I will. Jun'll make sure I will... if it gets too much.
I've only given you part of what you deserve. I'm afraid that the rest of what you're owed, you'll have to reach for yourself. [He smiles a little, trying to be encouraging.] But that's part of growing up and coming into your own. You find out the difference between what you want and what you really need.
[He gets it. Shroud isn't a secret to him, not after that one time, so...
He hugs back, giving him a good and proper squeeze, but not enough to hurt. This boy has been through too much for bear hugs.]
I'll hold you to that. But for now... why don't we just sit together? There is something magic about that tea, it'll help. It's... uh, ancient Hannish alchemy.
[Varian's never been great at accepting what he deserves. He's gotten better at it, since coming to this world, since getting professional help, getting a stable life he never had otherwise. But he knows he's a work in progress- he might always be. ]
You still have me a lot, I really do appreciate it. I- I know I wouldn't be where I am now without that... you. You're a great dad. [So don't deflect that, Sir! He smiles a little. ]
...Yeah. I'm still working on that one.
[Figuring out what he needs, what he wants, the chasm between those two things. But Amal has given him pretty damn solid building blocks to get himself started with that. He appreciated the non-bear-hug, he's running on fumes, and even if he's managed to stave off the panic from what happened to him, it still lurks in the back of his skull, waiting to leap out at him once he tries to process it properly.
That does pull a tired little laugh out of him, though. He reaches out to pick up his tea, taking a sip of it. ]
You know, I think you're right about that. And yeah... yeah I'd like that a lot. [His fingers drum on the cup. He HAD died and even if he's said it plenty of times before, it feels he really needs to say it now. ] Thanks, Dad. Love you.
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[His hand pauses midair as Varian talks about dying. It's not said casually, like hey, I almost died! Amal's almost died a few times. But this... no, he died for real. And his body came along with them for... some reason. There are implications with that, things that make his mind start to race, but after a moment he closes his eyes and lets out a slow, deep breath. He has to center himself.
The facts: Varian doesn't seem to know who it is, and probably wouldn't tell Amal even if he knew; everyone was hallucinating and out of their minds so revenge probably wouldn't be justified; there is a body and it needs to be disposed of.
He feels a need for retribution but nowhere to direct it to. A burning anger. A chilling sadness. In the end, all he can do is wrap his arms around Varian again and hold him tightly.]
That is incredibly... messed up. I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry... You don't deserve this. You never deserved any of this.
[He presses a few kisses into Varian's hair.]
You're safe here, I promise. It won't happen again. Okay? It won't. [A pause.] Do you... do you and Jun need help burying... uh... your doppelganger?
I've... I've got some experience with burial. Unfortunately.
no subject
[Thanks for being a good dad. For not giving up on him when he was such a blatant lost cause. For continuing to be there for him every single time.
He lets out a few slow breaths, trying to find calm. He'd dreaded telling Amal this. His dad has only been back on the app for such a short time, he didn't need this dropped on his lap so soon. He brushes away some tears with the heel of his hand. ]
I know. I know I'm safe here.
[He can always fully believe a promise like that, no need to second-guess it at all. He knows Amal will always be there for him. Always. ]
It's okay. I don't- I don't want you to have to see that. Heck, I'm gonna avoid looking at it as much as possible. Jun said he can deal with it. There's uh... more than me. So. [He rubs his arm.] But I don't want him to have to deal with that alone, either. It's... a lot.
no subject
[Amal's too humble, but that's a true glimpse into the kind of person he is: reckless, yes, but someone who doesn't hesitate to put his life on the line when there is literally no other option. He just wishes that Varian had a less tumultuous life, that he'd run into Amal in a different timeline where Amal was a merchant prince and absolutely ordinary. A life like that was surely more stable than whatever the hell went on in Kaisou on a daily basis.]
... Jun... [He sighs.] That kid is always taking so much on his shoulders.
All right. I won't stop you. [He squeezes Varian's shoulder gently.] But if you change your mind, let me know, okay? I'm always ready to tag in. No matter what it is.
no subject
[As he does with all promises. They are an unshakable agreement, for him. And he vastly loved Amal just how he is. He'd never want him even slightly different. After all, Varian was good at getting himself into trouble on his own. Having his father- this father - here to put him back together was priceless. ]
...Yeah. He's uh- dealing with it as a duty... thing.
[ A Shroud thing, he means. And Varian knows better than to interrupt Shroud when he's in Mission Mode. He smiles, leaning in to give his dad another hug. ]
I will, I promise I will. Jun'll make sure I will... if it gets too much.
no subject
[He gets it. Shroud isn't a secret to him, not after that one time, so...
He hugs back, giving him a good and proper squeeze, but not enough to hurt. This boy has been through too much for bear hugs.]
I'll hold you to that. But for now... why don't we just sit together? There is something magic about that tea, it'll help. It's... uh, ancient Hannish alchemy.
no subject
You still have me a lot, I really do appreciate it. I- I know I wouldn't be where I am now without that... you. You're a great dad. [So don't deflect that, Sir! He smiles a little. ]
...Yeah. I'm still working on that one.
[Figuring out what he needs, what he wants, the chasm between those two things. But Amal has given him pretty damn solid building blocks to get himself started with that. He appreciated the non-bear-hug, he's running on fumes, and even if he's managed to stave off the panic from what happened to him, it still lurks in the back of his skull, waiting to leap out at him once he tries to process it properly.
That does pull a tired little laugh out of him, though. He reaches out to pick up his tea, taking a sip of it. ]
You know, I think you're right about that. And yeah... yeah I'd like that a lot. [His fingers drum on the cup. He HAD died and even if he's said it plenty of times before, it feels he really needs to say it now. ] Thanks, Dad. Love you.